Goodbye

I don't know
Anything.
If only I knew why I was still here,
I need an answer -
Lost, alone, and desperate,
Social outcast.
But why do I always feel so
Bad?
Wishing I was
Dead?
Feeling physically sick,
Need an emotional outlet?
I'm desperate,
There's no escape,
No answer,
Hope a thing of the past.
The tears keep trying to come,
But my emotional problems
Forced inwards,
With nothing left.
I'm sorry.
I don't deserve friends.
No future,
I don't deserve to live.
Thanking my friends for their
Love and support,
But why
Do I have anyone?
So is this goodbye?
I hope so.
I can't face another day,
Not like this -
Abandoned by God,
Scared of my parents.
And my friends,
They deserve better,
But don't understand
The truth I've come to accept -
The world will be a better place
Once I'm dead.
So hopefully
This is goodbye.

Fake smile

I smile,
Try to hide my true emotions.
It's all so fake,
People think I'm happy -
They see my smile,
Don't realise
I'm hiding the truth.
I've not been happy for so long,
But if others were to know
I would get no space,
I'd end up back in prison,
The poor soul on suicide watch.
So I wear a smile,
But a fake one.
The lies, the deception,
Hidden by my outward expression.
My inner emotional torment,
I don't express.
I need to smile,
But I'm not happy,
So the smile I wear is not genuine.
Fake smile -
Another lie,
The coward hiding her true feelings.
That is me.

Untitled

I sit here alone,
Feeling desperate
And desperate to express how I'm feeling.
So I turn to poetry,
The only way I know how.

My thoughts always present,
I'm needing to vent the bad ones -
They drag me down,
Unable to cope,
Scared of what the future will bring.

I try to be happy,
But I've lost all I once had.
Hanging on for my friends,
They're all I have left,
But they deserve better.

My friends are such legends,
Supporting me
Through such a painful time,
But they can't see it yet -
Their relief if I die.

I love them so much,
But can't give them what they need.
They don't understand
Why I think what I do.
One day soon I pray they will.

The future
Is theirs for the taking,
Grab it with both hands
Is what I try and say.
Don't worry about me.

I have no future.
I've known for some time.
I meant what I thought
When I was nineteen -
I wanted to die in my teens.

But it didn't work,
I'm still here.
I can't tell anyone how I feel,
So write it in my poems
And hope that I feel better.

Often I don't.
I'm too bad for that now,
Nothing will help me.
I've tried so much,
And know my time is up.

So I'm sorry
To all of those I love.
I don't know how much longer
I intend to stick around,
But I've come to accept the truth.

I'm no longer free -
Imprisoned by terrible thoughts,
Emotional torment so unbearable,
But at least when I'm gone
The world will be a better place.

But until that day,
Still unknown -
Or more to the point,
Undecided -
At least I have my poetry.

I've written so much,
I'm nearly out of paper.
A sign perhaps,
The end is near.
Poetry no longer the answer.

I need to escape,
I need to be free,
It's no wonder I want to die -
A perfect oblivion,
All I could hope for.

So this is me
Reaching out in desperation.
I know I'm hurting my friends,
But soon they can move on,
Forget I ever existed.

Death wish

Last night
On the television,
I'm so scared.
Fear led to a prayer -
Oh God,
I've had enough of all this.
Tonight, please,
This is the night I die.
I can't face another day.

Yesterday,
Small accident at home.
So trivial and insignificant,
But my parents
So mad,
Like in March.
But I've not committed suicide
Again,
Yet.

I want to.
There's nothing left.
My parents are obsessed
With me planning a future
I don't even have.
But I can't tell them why -
They will stop me,
They won't understand,
Nobody will.

Another day, another prayer -
Tonight is the night,
Please,
Tonight let me die.
I can't face tomorrow.
I'm desperate,
But can't express how I feel.
Fear of my parents knowing
And stopping me again.

They can't,
I won't let them
Or anyone.
I've got to do it properly this time,
No more failure.
Only one other person knows
How many times
I've tried
But failed.

Why
Am I still here?
My life is not worth living
Any more.
I want to die.
Please God,
I'm desperate,
Alone,
Scared of tomorrow.

I can't do this
Any more.
There is nothing
Anyone can do
To make a difference,
Help me.
I should have ended it
When I had the chance,
So angry I didn't.

Friends made me promise
I wouldn't try again,
But I was wrong.
I can't keep the promise,
Not any more.
I wish it was all over.
I wish I was dead.
There's nothing left here
For me.

When will it end

When will it end?
The pain, the misery,
From which I can't escape.
I see no hope,
There's nothing left.
When will it end?

When will it end?
I'm nobody any more,
Causing pain
By sticking around another day.
My friends deserve better.
When will it end?

When will it end?
I want to be free,
Escape to somewhere
I'm not imprisoned by my emotions
And constant negative thoughts.
When will it end?

When will it end?
The anger I feel
That somehow I'm still alive,
Wondering aimlessly through pointless existence
With not even a trace of ambition.
When will it end?

Search for freedom

I long to be free,
Free from the pain
I experience on a daily basis.

I have good memories,
But they no longer matter,
Having faded into insignificance.

I don't know what I did,
But I know I'm not a criminal.
So why am I in prison?

Sometimes it gets too much,
The pain is too great
And I can't find freedom.

Will I ever be free again?
I find myself asking this question
Every single day.

Not a day goes by
I don't look forward to freedom,
A happier place.

But the problem in that,
There's now only one way to be free
And that is death.

Why I write

I feel so lost,
So desperate.
I don't want to burden my friends
And I don't want my parents to know,
So I find myself sitting down,
With only a pen and
A blank sheet of lined paper.
I say that
But there's something else,
A million and one negative thoughts -
Depression, suicide,
About as uplifting as it gets.
I write a poem,
Not very good,
But I guess it helps
Sometimes.
Other times I've gone too far,
Beyond help.
Getting these thoughts on paper is right.
Without my poetry,
My head would explode
With all that negativity,
From which I just can't escape.

Teenage worries

For years I've tried
To get my voice heard
By those I thought cared.
Nobody listened.
My friends thought I had PMT,
Even when I wasn't pre-menstrual,
But I was fourteen.

Somebody tried to listen,
Could see past my hormones,
But told me I was talking rubbish
When I said
"The world would be a better place
Without me",
But I knew it was the truth.

The reason I know,
Six years later,
Is I still believe the same.
I've believed it for so long
That there's nothing else left,
Just this thought
Going round and round and round.

My past,
Messed up teenage years,
Eating away at my will to live,
All I once had.
No future,
My ambitions faded to nothingness,
I knew I was right.

Lost religion

I look up to God,
Calling for help.
When there's no answer,
I'm lost,
Left with nothing.

I know God loves me,
He's shown me that before.
So why am I ignored now?
When I need help the most,
I am left deserted.

Nowhere to turn,
Oh God, where are you?
Do I have to be happy to find you again?
I'm so lost,
It's now that I am desperate.

Left unable to do as you will,
I have problems
Migrating to my spiritual life.
That final aspect now gone,
My life officially over.

But I'm not dead yet,
Just wondering through pointless existence.
There's no hope for tomorrow,
And I can't even say
There'll be a tomorrow.

The future

The future,
People always focus.
What do I want to do?
Family, kids, career?
But one thing they don't know,
Just the thought of next year
Completely scares me.

Planning a future
I don't even have.
I don't know how much longer
To hang on before I give up.
There's nothing I want to do,
I have no ambitions,
Not even a hope.

No tomorrow

There's no tomorrow,
Not even in my thoughts.
It all ends now.
So much was never meant to be.
Forget the future,
There's no such thing.
I've tried to come through,
See the other side -
Happiness again,
All I long for
On a daily basis.
I can't see hope,
No ambition.
I want the pain to end.
I want to be free once again.
That will never be,
It's why there's no tomorrow.

Ticking time bomb

The ticking time bomb,
Laying dormant for nine years,
Nearly went off a couple of times.
But why now?
Why when I thought I'd moved on?
Why not when I was fourteen?
It shouldn't have been planted
But I didn't know how to react.
So alone,
So isolated from society,
I had nowhere to turn.
But why did the bomb go off now?
None of it makes sense.
Nine years is so long,
Ticking in the background,
Messing up my teenage years.
I try to be happy,
But mostly I just pretend,
Fooling my friends,
Though not intentionally.
I'm also fooling myself,
Covering up my sadness,
A method of escape
From the daily emotional agony.
The bomb planted when I was eleven
Went off when I was twenty.
So messed up,
I'll never be the same again.

The apple

A bug in an apple,
Eating away, bit by bit,
'Till nothing is left
But the core,
A skeleton,
Nothing worth holding on to.

The pain, I can't understand,
Can a fruit feel pain?
The bug won't leave.
It stays,
Eating away at all that is good,
Or once was good.

The apple falls,
Rotten, rejected by the tree.
No hope left.
Then all of a sudden
A new tree appears,
The resurrection of a humble fruit.

One life over,
Another, better one begins.
A new start,
No more pain,
The apple is free,
Producing more beautiful fruit.

Random thoughts

Listening to music,
Eating chocolate,
The world doesn't seem quite so bad.
Things might finally be on their way
Up,
And up again,
To the dizzy heights -
Happiness.
Oh yes,
The greatest feeling there is,
But one I hardly remember.
So long since I was last happy
Every day,
Loving all the great things
Life had to offer.
But that's 'had' -
Past tense.
It's all over now,
I've nothing left to live for -
There's not a day goes by
I don't wish I was dead,
Not one.
I'm only glad when I can ignore it.
I do not intend to make a habit -
I can think of better things to do,
Better ways to spend my time,
Better ideas
Than committing suicide,
On a daily basis.
I must hang on for someone -
Friends, family,
Whoever.
Look for the hope I lost -
Find it and regain happiness,
The will to live.

Running away from home

Running away from home,
To start a new life
Where I can be free.
Don’t contact me, dad,
I’m sick of it all
And for the ninety ninth time,
I’m not suicidal!

Running away form home,
I know it’s a risk.
I’ve no money,
No job,
Nothing.
In search of better prospects,
A new beginning.

Running away from home,
Escaping my parents,
Escaping my past –
The skeletons in my closet
I’d rather not discuss.
It’s only a dream,
But one I so wish could happen.

Running away form home,
So much hope
As freedom beckons.
Don’t follow me, dad,
I need a bit of space
And I appreciate your concern,
But I’m really not suicidal!

The social reject

The social reject
With nothing left.
Choices I made
And problems inflicted upon me.
I hoped for success,
But chances wither away,
Leaving no trace of their existence
Like an anonymous death.

The social reject
With no hopes for tomorrow.
With no tomorrow.
What is the point?
Circumstances out of my control
Drive my emotions lower each day,
To the point I can no longer cope.
So what is the point?

The social reject
With a death wish at twenty,
Never regained the will to live.
There’s no hope left,
All I once had withered away,
No trace of positive existence.
Another anonymous death -
Mine.

Confusion in faith

Sometimes it gets too much,
I can’t take any more.
There’s no explanation,
No reason for my feelings.

All I can do is pray,
But this is so difficult
When I’ve lost all hope
And all I have left is anger.

God doesn’t need to listen.
I’ve done so much bad,
I don’t deserve his help,
But listen he does.

I don’t know why,
I can’t explain.
“Have faith and don’t give up”
Is what God says to me.

I’ve been left wondering,
Was it God who confused my emotions?
I wish I knew how I felt,
Even if I couldn’t get any worse.

Sometimes I can’t escape,
Days or even weeks of anger
And no end to my confusion.
I just wish it was all…

Over?
Finished?
Done?
Yeah, that’s about right.

The depressed dropout

No chances in life,
Judgement every day
From those who don't understand.
I've tried to move on,
To correct my mistakes
And make something of myself.

So what if I dropped out.
It was for the best
But I face a daily judgement,
A social stigma
For doing what I thought was right.
But it doesn't end there.

I'm judged for my feelings,
Ashamed of my emotions.
When it gets really bad
I'm left unable to talk.
I write, but still fear judgement,
A poem, a suicide note.

Nobody cares, nobody understands,
So I am left alone.
Solitary confinement
For a crime I didn't commit,
The story of the depressed dropout
Has no happy ending.

Socially stigmatised,
My ambitions reduced to pipe dreams.
People judge me for what I've become,
They don't understand.
My emotions kept private,
The truth of the depressed dropout kept hidden.

Another day

Another day,
It's an achievement.
I made it through the night.
Bad dreams,
Fear,
Nothing can stop me now.

Another day,
More pain
I need to overcome.
Imprisoned,
With no chance of escape
'Till the day I die.

Another day,
Problems still here,
But the search for hope
Keeps me going,
Longing for the tomorrow
That was never meant to be.

Another day,
The challenge too great.
Find another way,
A freedom
From emotional pain,
Even worse than yesterday.

Thoughts of a prisoner

The journey is long,
Painful,
Imprisoning.
There's no freedom
Any more.
I sleep to be free,
But my dreams aren't peaceful.

Scary things happen,
I want to get off.
No,
Correction,
I need to get off.
I'm not a criminal,
What did I do?

Imprisoned by my thoughts,
My dad's exaggeration
Once proved right.
No hope of escape,
Still on suicide watch.
No space,
No freedom.

Stop the world,
I've had enough.
The journey must end
With freedom,
Release from pain.
I can't carry on in prison
For something I didn't do.